When I was a young girl, I used to live in my own world. The most joyful part of the day was having my meals and going cycling with my dad. Barely knew how the world worked, but was curious about it. I used to think that when I grow up, I will be like a free bird in the sky with wisdom and knowledge of everything. I got excited watching grown-ups around me, happy and always smiling, I thought they had a perfect life. I was happy with my birdy and my bear. We had a great time finding the treasure treats my mom hid in the house.
I used to laugh and play and say anything I wanted, carefree and careless, unbothered by the society. I would laugh even when I fell. Little did I know the judges of the society were waiting for me to grow up. Since childhood, we learn that if someone around us appreciates us, acknowledges us, and values us, we are doing great, we are correct.
But I did not know I needed to learn everything all over again.
So when I started growing up they told me,
“ You need to walk like a girl!!”
“ You need to talk like a girl!!”
“You need to laugh like a girl!!”
“You need to eat like a girl!!”
“Why are you so different?”.
And what if I don’t?
Then I don’t deserve to be a part of the society and also I get to be the new topic of gossip, by the way. They can rightfully rumor, laugh, and criticize me for well, the way I stand or the way I talk, the way I look or the way I laugh, the way I dance or the way I eat, the way I make friends…basically, the way I live.
And, yes that is how this society works.
I learned this at an early stage and as a kid, I was dumb enough to care for the appreciation I got from the society. I worked hard on myself and kept changing my habits one by one.
I started doing all the things that were expected of me, and was careful of each step I took (I know but it was stupid back then please bear with me a bit more). But I could not stand their baseless gossip, so irrelevant to me, I would just laugh and leave. Seemed like I was happy on the outside but on the inside I felt like was losing myself, challenging my own nature. At one point I felt empty and lost, and still, the expectations did not stop.
One day they were talking, more like making fun of this girl, her fault being the only girl sitting alone in the class.
“What?”, I asked again.
They giggled “ You know she doesn’t have any friends and sits alone because she is weird and an outcast ”. And they expected me to laugh. But I could not. It wasn’t funny.
So I decided counter these gossip girls by going and sitting beside her.
Over time, we became best friends. We had a happy friendship of two years before her father got a transfer.
But I still enjoyed being with myself. It did not matter anymore. They could laugh all they wanted, judge all they wanted for I couldn’t care any less. I could breathe, stand, walk, eat without over thinking now. I could embrace my uniqueness and these weird ways of mine.
I could listen to the birds chirping instead of their gossip, I could run if I wanted to. Finally, I could live by my rules. Well, and I always have my parents, so I am never really alone.
Until … college!?
But now I know the drill… Don’t care and live freely.