Dear First Love

Dear First Love

Poet: Manya

Dear first love,

Its been ages since 

I thought of you,

years since you gave me butterflies.

But hon, I found someone new,

in this crowded existence,

someone to hold on to,

through the storm.

The hurt came rushing back,

all the broken dreams,

All the angst 

and love, I am ready to run.

So, tell me to stay,

Tell me I can be happy,

Because you know my flaws,

and all my irrational fears.

Do you think I can find my happy?

Do you think I can get over 

all these gnawing insecurities?

This new love seems perfect, 

a little dreamy, a little green,

but love so did you.

Don’t let me run again,

unlike the last time,

Just ask me to stay,

even if it is not for you.

I know the last time hon,

I was all rage,

And so were you.

So can you console me with,

we were not meant to be,

that I deserve love?

Its been so long,

like a long lost fading dream,

but all over again

these scars seem new,

All the anxiety, all the lies,

everything is sending me into a whirl.

It’s a little after 2:00 am,

And I am a little drunk on vodka,

So typing and retyping this message,

looking for some reaffirmation,

hoping for closure,

ignoring his calls,

trying to spare him from this brokenness.

When our verse plays,

Do you ignore the words, 

smile over long lost love,

or switch off the radio.

Sometimes I get bitter,

I will be honest love,

and I smile at times.

But the verse always registers 

and remind me of the hole in my heart.

I am scared that he will see it,

and I will be lonely with my cigarettes again.

So tell me where we went wrong?

Because I cannot ruin it all again.

There was a time when I thought we were it, 

and there was nobody else for us.

Will you tell me when you find the one?

Because I think I found mine,

So I am trying to say goodbye to old injuries,

To all my guilt and all my anger,

Trying to let new love in,

So can you pack your memories from

My heart and move to someplace far.

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