Dear readers, it should be noted that I’m no philosopher and am just gathering some thoughts. But, if this helps you make some decisions, be sure to let me know. Because that would mean that I’m good at writing and it’s something very critical for me to know.
So, diving right in.
I’m having to choose between an inner voice and a safe choice because unfortunately, they’re not the same thing for me. If I’m being practical, then I’d have to do an MBA and take a job. Does that not make me happy?
Of course, it does. To be honest, having a stable career is what I want. But then, will I stay happy doing this?, knowing that there’s a writer inside who deserved a chance but quit because I was too scared? It brings me back to my question. Am I allowed to flirt with two different choices? There was a time when I reached a solution. Life felt happy. Everything felt right inside. Until I realized it wasn’t. I was just sufficing myself. That’s when I knew it was legit toxic. But it finally felt so good to arrive at an answer. ‘If you truly love something, let it go if you have to’ seemed to have truly sunk in at that moment.
Getting a normal job would make my family very incredibly happy. I know that.
And I would’ve stuck with that decision if it weren’t for the lockdown. Oh yeah, the lockdown was a really good time for me to explore what writing meant to me. I wrote a few poems. Then thought they deserved a bigger platform than my Harry Potter themed-notebook. I gathered all the courage I had and created an Instagram page for my poetry and then miraculously enough, a few of my poems got published in an actual book. That frankly boosted my confidence. I started writing a novel too, but then I’m yet to complete it. All these things have confused me more. Because writing or literature according to a majority of the society, isn’t mainstream and if you don’t do something mainstream, you’re tagged as incapable for some reason I’ve never understood properly. I then wrote this one specific poem:
Should I go against?
Or bend to their bait?
Is their wish my command?
Even when all I get is reprimand?
Am I free enough to take charge?
Or to let my inner self barge?
What’s holding me hostage?
Will I ever be able to rip off that one bandage?
I want to get out of the trap,
But what if it’s the actual map?
Also then, will the ghosts leave?
I can’t even tell if it’s just a pet peeve,
I live with my fears,
Can’t even get rid in those tears,
Maybe it’s high time,
Should I end this in the prime?
Honestly, this poem made me look at things clearly, and then, I dropped the bomb on my family saying that I’d been thinking of doing a Masters in Literature. Ironically, I can never explain the happiness I derived from their reaction in words. They were okay with the idea of my future where I would be a writer. That lifted a huge weight off my chest. That made me think why I was still scared to take the step of ditching a software job and take the risk of ending up as some non-famous writer. It was because my heart didn’t accept the idea of me leading a mundane life and also, this feeling called regret was something I’d never want to feel. If I was never courageous enough to give my talent a chance; I would regret and beat myself up over it every day later.
Here’s to hoping that I keep writing!