Twenty – A Disarray of Thoughts

by: Aaditya Shankar Natarajan

Number One (sung in the tune of Ten Duel Commandments from Hamilton, the musical)

(Two) So I’m turning 20 soon. It’s a weird feeling. Unsettling. Anywhere between a quarter to a fifth of my life is done. Or, maybe it’s 99.99% done. Who knows. Talking or thinking about death makes me feel weird, so I hardwire my brain into not thinking about it, often to a point of ignorance or insensitivity. 

(Three)*insert Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s flashback static sound* 

(Four)This piece doesn’t have flashbacks, these ‘statics’ are just here for transition. I couldn’t think of anything better. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have used them. These are still pretty cool, no?

(Five) *B99 static* 

(Six) I’ve never really looked forward to or overtly enjoyed my birthdays. This is not to say I dislike my birthdays – I just don’t LIKE like them. I don’t really get increasingly excited during the days leading up to the day, like many others do. Again, this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the little attention that I do get on my birthdays. I am human after all. 

There are a few reasons for this, that I can think of, as I unsuccessfully try to psychoanalyse myself. And, because I sometimes am a sadistic individual, I will not provide those reasons here.

(Seven)*static* 

(Eight)Isn’t age just a number? What difference does it make if I’m turning 5 or 10 or 20 or 25 or whatever age? At least, that’s what I’ve always thought and believed in. Every day is just waking up and then going back to sleep at night, or maybe not even going back to sleep. 

Then, why this sudden unsettling feeling?

(Nine)*static*

(Ten) I’ve realised that a lot of what I write is somewhat grim, but has a funny or positive overtone. At least, I think what I write is funny, given my broken sense of humour and whatnot. I guess what you write is often  a reflection of what runs in your mind. 

(Eleven)*static* 

(Twelve) In my nineteen years and a few months of existence, I haven’t had a lot of friends. And, no one has called me their ‘best friend.’ Yeah, I know what you might be thinking. Best friend? Such a childish concept! Anyway, I don’t care what you think. 

Because of this scarcity of friends and best friends, in the recent past, whenever someone has called me their friend, or even their best friend, or even shown the slightest amount of love, I have overthunk it like crazy. Yes, overthunk. That is my preferred expression. 

(Thirteen )*static*

(Fourteen) In my nineteen years and a few months of existence, I haven’t ever been able to answer the question “What’s your favourite colour?” 

I either don’t give an answer at all, or I give a different answer. This is because I partly feel sad for some of the colours. Or maybe my life doesn’t have that much colour. 

(Fifteen)*static*

(Sixteen)In my nineteen years and a few months of existence, I think I’ve always been an ambivert. But I never really understood what the term really meant, until very recently. I may even have the meaning wrong now, but eh, how does it matter? 

To me, being an ambivert means I don’t really go out and try to make new friends, or talk to new people, or even socialise at all. But on the off chance that I do get a friend, I want to spend every opportunity I get talking to them. 

(Seventeen)*static*

(Eighteen)In my nineteen years and a few months of existence, (I promise this is the last one), I’ve never really been the best at one particular thing, never really EXCELLED at anything. But I’ve been good at most things I do. I used to braggingly call myself a jack of all trades, and master of most. But as this positivity and optimism has died, I’ve realised that I’m just a jack of all trades, master of almost none. 

(Nineteen)*Prolonged B99 Static*

(Twenty)In case you’re unaware of the static sound that has been mentioned multiple times in this piece, 1) PLEASE watch Brooklyn Nine Nine or 2) please refer to this video, timestamp 00:20, and also multiple occurrences in the same video.