Spilling the Tea

By: Aparajita D B

About two weeks ago, I heard that May 21st is International Tea Day. Frankly, I find it astounding that as a novice tea connoisseur myself, I was unaware of its existence. Clearly, Tea is being overwhelmingly ignored. In a small attempt to rectify this blatant transgression, I did a little digging, and it turns out that Tea wasn’t actually trying to keep a low profile, and has agreed to an interview. Please enjoy.

INTERVIEWER: So, Tea, where have you been these last few… months? I don’t I caught you at the New Year’s party.

TEA: Oh, here and there. Sometimes life becomes far too mundane, and sightseeing always cheers me up.

INTERVIEWER: Didn’t your last “trip” end in mid-December?

TEA: Yes, and?

INTERVIEWER: …

TEA: …

INTERVIEWER: Right. How was your trip?

TEA: Absolutely marvellous, darling! You know, I thought I’d go back to my roots for this one, so I visited Darjeeling. Oh, it’s quite beautiful this time of year, you know. The visit would’ve been absolutely perfect if not for a few little details. 

INTERVIEWER: Oh? Do tell.

TEA: I ran into a, uh, mutual friend of ours, who took it upon themselves to inform me of some rather interesting “life hacks” that some people have come up with.

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

TEA: Apparently, humans are of the opinion that putting teabags in your bathwater is an acceptable alternative to bathing salts.

INTERVIEWER: … don’t tell me you didn’t already know this.

TEA: I’m just saying, if you let the teabags soak in water, and you are also soaking in the water, does that mean you’re making yourself part of a giant teacup? Or worse, a giant’s teacup?

INTERVIEWER: Aaand we’re going to leave that horrifying thought right there-

TEA: Oh you thought that was bad? Some people put teabags in their shoes! Who do they think they are, Americans??

INTERVIEWER: I don’t think we should-

TEA: All those innocent teabags desecrated, and for what?? Have these barbarians never heard of perfume??

INTERVIEWER: Now, just a minute-

TEA: Seriously, the main reason I consented to this was so that people know that I most certainly do NOT APPROVE!

INTERVIEWER: …

TEA: …

INTERVIEWER: Are you feeling better?

TEA: Much, thank you.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, we’re going to gently move away from that topic. This question is a rather persistent one, so care to talk about your relationship with coffee? 

TEA: Of course. Coffee and I are wonderful friends, when we’re not too busy cranking each other. I was half-convinced that the tip they gave me was another prank, so imagine my shock when-

INTERVIEWER: Please let’s not talk about that anymore.

TEA: Oh, alright. You know, despite our reputations, I always feel like Coffe is the steadier of the two of us. 

INTERVIEWER: Really? I would have thought it was the other way around. 

TEA: I know, most people are shocked, but it’s true. When Coffee gets out of the house, you can always predict their behaviour to some extent. Loud, jovial. Mostly sticks to cafes. At their fanciest, they’re at Starbucks. Me? I’m all over the place! One day I’m at Buckingham Palace in my regalia having the time of my life, the next day you see me at a random street stall like a miscreant who forgot about haircare. 

INTERVIEWER: Well, that was certainly insightful. Any plans to disappear on the world again?

TEA: I’m afraid not. Coffee and I have to deal with a situation. Apparently, someone in one of the VIT messes had the genius idea of mixing Instant Coffee powder into a cup of Tea.

INTERVIEWER: Wait, what?!

TEA: Oh, look at the time! I must leave now.

INTERVIEWER: But- You can’t just- 

TEA: Talk to the handle!

INTERVIEWER: … What would you even call such a thing?