By: Rithika Palyavi
Waking up, the hardest part of the day. But succeeding that mission will get you……..into sadness. Kidding, kidding (maybe not?). The same thing everyday. But one day, I woke up feeling rattled. It was a dream. No, wait. It was THE dream. I tried tracing it back. To know why I felt so, I don’t know, intruded? Then it hit me.
Okay, riddle me this, people. Am I the only one that started doubting who they were, out of nowhere?
Is this called the quarter-life crisis? If so, my life expectancy would be, what, seventy six? Meh, pretty good.
If you say no, I’m not giving you the benefit of doubt. I mean, come on.
Alright, fine. Let’s agree that you never did, so that you’ll proceed to read the whole thing.
I thought I was pretty sure about who I was. Am. Would be? But yes, this dream changed things. I’d dreamt about being with someone who isn’t assigned to be “the one” according to my orientation. Yep, there. I said it.
For those who proceed to read this, yay. For those who don’t, also yay. Who am I to judge your thoughts?
I was confused. Scared. Because I had no clue how to justify that dream. Neither did I have a clue about the “measures” I should be taking so that this wouldn’t happen again. I wasn’t supposed to picture something like that because I’ve been told it’s wrong. Right? My subconscious clearly had other plans.
I didn’t know where to look for help. Telling my friends about this seemed a little, um, I don’t know, scary? I know it would’ve been easier to talk to someone who identifies themselves as who they are. But I didn’t think it was respectable to just ask someone what their preferred pronouns are. But boy, was I wrong about so many things.
Books are called your best friends, right? If no one got me, I know books got me. Can I get an amen? (for the uncool readers, this is a meme. Look it up.)
It took me books like Call Me by your name to tell myself that it’s okay to have dreams that would leave me confused.
Red, White, and Royal Blue taught me that one weird experience is enough for you to question things about yourself and that’s not wrong. Lots to learn from Alex.
Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo showed me that even though you’ve been involved with people of the “assigned orientation” according to the society for a time being, getting involved with someone else is nothing to be scared about.
What if it’s us showed me a completely different picture of how it could be dangerous to identify as someone different from the heteros. But it also gave me the confidence that the whole world isn’t a bad place. There are still “a few good” people left.
What I understood after a long journey through literature is that you can and should be whatever you want to be. I know people say “listen to your heart but follow your brain” sometimes. But in a few specific “sometimes”, you are free to call that saying bullcrap.
Be who you are and love who you are. Never hold back.
Like Captain Raymond Holt said, “Everytime someone comes forward and says who they are, the world becomes a better place.”
Be proud. Be Pride.