If Only My Heart Would Think Straight

by Netra

If only my heart would think straight

I wouldn’t have let it twist turn and suffocate

I wouldn’t hesitate

To bathe it in blood

Worship it for its humongous worth

And celebrate every word it utters

I wouldn’t have to chain it up

And pull it taught 

Every time a pretty girl walks by

And it decides to flutter

I wouldn’t be punching holes in my lungs

Making it harder to breath

Every time I lie to myself that it’s just a phase

And not an identity I’m trying to erase

If only my heart would think straight

It wouldn’t be a starving skinny twisted ball of mess

Characterized by emotions that are scientifically senseless

All the lies I spew from my mouth

About hot guys and their cute smiles

Straining the filters in my throat

Converting every she to he

And every her to him

Wouldn’t feel like a dagger 

Slicing down my chest

If only my heart would think straight

I’d never have to dread the day I’d come out

All that preparation and courage it would take.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Who is the bravest of them all

And I’d smile at my own reflection

Clench my fists and walk out

I’d stride down the staircase of liberation

Transgressing into my truer self

The curtains would clear

I’d trip over my dress

And as life flashes before my eyes

Out of fear

That everything would change

I’d run back in and disappear.

It felt unnatural to fall in love with girls

I couldn’t smile I couldn’t blush

When I caught sight of a pretty girl

I’d force my bickering heartbeats to shush

Bubbles of explosive emotions would flood my mind

And pop pop pop

I’d burst them all in hopes to suppress

Those supposedly illicit emotions

I didn’t want to be different 

I am tired of watering down the wildfires raging in my heart

Letting the ash and the smoke dissolve into oblivion.

And pretend as if nothing’s wrong.

I want to be proud of who I am

 And embrace the madness devouring my mind.

I don’t want to hold my heart at gunpoint in an abandoned graveyard

I want to build a temple and a barricade around it

With all I’ve got

Hold back monsters

And welcome  mellifluous thoughts

So it would beat to the rhythm of a love song

Not subtly smile to a funeral march

I want to dream of daisies and dandelions 

And wedding gowns

Park benches and public places

Silly fights

Car rides and conversations at red lights

Holding hands 

And walking down the aisle 

With the woman of my choice

Until I realize

My heart- it’s better off this way


This blog page serves as a platform for the Editorial department of The Hindu Education Plus Club at VIT Vellore. We provide opportunities to budding authors across campus to hone their writing skills. We publish blogs four times a week, where writers can communicate their views on any topic of their choice with our readers.

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