by Netra
If only my heart would think straight
I wouldn’t have let it twist turn and suffocate
I wouldn’t hesitate
To bathe it in blood
Worship it for its humongous worth
And celebrate every word it utters
I wouldn’t have to chain it up
And pull it taught
Every time a pretty girl walks by
And it decides to flutter
I wouldn’t be punching holes in my lungs
Making it harder to breath
Every time I lie to myself that it’s just a phase
And not an identity I’m trying to erase
If only my heart would think straight
It wouldn’t be a starving skinny twisted ball of mess
Characterized by emotions that are scientifically senseless
All the lies I spew from my mouth
About hot guys and their cute smiles
Straining the filters in my throat
Converting every she to he
And every her to him
Wouldn’t feel like a dagger
Slicing down my chest
If only my heart would think straight
I’d never have to dread the day I’d come out
All that preparation and courage it would take.
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the bravest of them all
And I’d smile at my own reflection
Clench my fists and walk out
I’d stride down the staircase of liberation
Transgressing into my truer self
The curtains would clear
I’d trip over my dress
And as life flashes before my eyes
Out of fear
That everything would change
I’d run back in and disappear.
It felt unnatural to fall in love with girls
I couldn’t smile I couldn’t blush
When I caught sight of a pretty girl
I’d force my bickering heartbeats to shush
Bubbles of explosive emotions would flood my mind
And pop pop pop
I’d burst them all in hopes to suppress
Those supposedly illicit emotions
I didn’t want to be different
I am tired of watering down the wildfires raging in my heart
Letting the ash and the smoke dissolve into oblivion.
And pretend as if nothing’s wrong.
I want to be proud of who I am
And embrace the madness devouring my mind.
I don’t want to hold my heart at gunpoint in an abandoned graveyard
I want to build a temple and a barricade around it
With all I’ve got
Hold back monsters
And welcome mellifluous thoughts
So it would beat to the rhythm of a love song
Not subtly smile to a funeral march
I want to dream of daisies and dandelions
And wedding gowns
Park benches and public places
Silly fights
Car rides and conversations at red lights
Holding hands
And walking down the aisle
With the woman of my choice
Until I realize
My heart- it’s better off this way
Wow ❤