By: Aishani
Embracing me through her bleary eyes as she watches me go and says, “Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found” leaves me musing over,
Trailing the edges of your thoughts, you realize it’s not about forced positivity, until you pencil down the good to your bad, the yin to your yang yet the good renders back to the corner of your room unapproachable to your wounded soul as you clutch onto the bad to your mind. It’s pretty straightforward that life has it’s own way, when your own expectations slap you in the face, crumbling up your confidence, your will until you finally gather the courage to come face to face with what you’re most afraid of- “yourself”
we think we are the main character of every special story, certainly not implying it’s not okay to feel special but it is okay not being this delusional.
Identity crisis or custom playable character syndrome?
Shame is a direct attack on character. It is a class of anxiety about who we are, influencing the way we perceive our sense of self discovery. I say this as a member of GEN Z as well, this is where tension starts to surface. It wrenches my heart seeing people portray their so called perfect lives knowing full well that it really isn’t is honestly earth shattering. The time when people will gradually wake up breaking the delusion of off their high horse and realizing the efforts they put in trying to convince the whole world something that they are not was nothing but in vain. This drags you back to your dappling patterns sometimes, most of the times until coldness passes over your skin like ghost breath whispering into your ears, “I’ve shed all my layers and I no longer exist”.
You’ll be anxious, disgraced , full of shame, you’ll face a steady bout of self doubt and much more. But now you know better, what you should have done instead was trying to be in your own element , stay hydrated and moisturized, recover from your childhood trauma, stay still and shelter your vibes.
Let’s face it, accepting that you deserve better can be hard. Your entire life you’re taught, you’re trained to put people before yourself, you’re molded to believe that pain will set you free, I’m sure denial won’t however this piles up so much that you burst one day. You chase, you cling, you chime when all you are asking for isn’t even happiness, just a little less pain. This journey to solitude, it no longer feels like countless hours stuck with my own fears, regrets and guilt. Sometimes this makes me wonder am I reappropriating or normalizing it? Am I finally comfortable to find peace and contentment in my own company, or am I just letting go of the people who I love as I heal?
It takes a lot of courage to accept what you’ve become but it takes even more courage to stop blaming others for what you’ve become, realizing where you went wrong and make amends for it. The real question is Are you brave enough to forgive yourself? Does this mean you’ll reconcile with the people you’ve lost once? Maybe or maybe that’s what best for you, maybe in the dawn light that’s shines through the window, you think of them and you don’t feel anything. Wouldn’t that be terrifying? Now you’d rather hold onto the sleeping glow of the setting sun than turn your head away from the sunset for your own good but what you don’t realize is you are learning, you’re moving , healing and hurting, you’re feeling, you’re feeling the pain as you heal because healing hurts too.
