Categories
chilling feelings life personal Poem Thoughts

Guilt

by:Netra

It’s got sharp canines
And the wings of a bat
When you’re sound asleep
Envisioning beaches
And seas
It bites-
Invading your dreams
The blue segues into
Red Black skies
Thirsty creatures emerge
At the rapidly receding horizons
With knives instead of hands
Tongues wapping back and forth-
A ghastly version
Of a pretty pup wagging its tail
Red-eyed
Chanting in chorus
You’ve done wrong
You must repay.
You wake up
Spilling fear flavoured tears
Reach out for someone’s lap
Hug me, say it’s okay
Tell me I’m not the one to blame
Help me fight these night monsters
Free me from these tumultuous thoughts
Instead, you find yourself
Lying on the lap of guilt
Waiting to slaughter your brain
And feed on your pain
You’ve done something selfish
No matter how insignificant
You must repent
For the rest of your life.

Categories
change Family Friends life Self Thoughts World

Dear Death

Dear Death ,

Last time I wrote to you, the pages were soaked in tears. It was abrupt, scribbled with ramblings, and resounding with sounds of incessant begging.  We talked about the colours you see and the darkness that I can’t stop seeing. Now I am overwhelmed. I know you are not the monster and perhaps you cried with us too, because it’s not every day you get to take away a soul so pure. Mayhap you listened to me when I pleaded with you to wait a few more days before you took her away. 

Could you see the technicolour she projected, did our pain darken her aura, or did it blanket her in our love? Tell me if she is finally in a better place, did she make you smile? It won’t be the first time she made a stranger smile. Did she listen to you instead of thinking about herself, did she break down because she couldn’t bear our tears? Could you tell her we will be fine?She worries you know. 

I am sorry that I’ve stained these pages again, sorry for barraging you with questions. I don’t mean to hurt you, but you took away the  colour from my life, left me black and white and a little more empty. Darling, you took all the beauty and left behind the ugliness. I am trying to pull everyone through. I am pretending to be fine so that my mother’s heart pains a little less. Maybe I should share my pain, and let others comfort me in my anguish, but all I can do is hide under my blanket and stare away. 

As reality fades away, and I try to deal with this devastation and suffocate with all these memories that keep flashing by. Do you feel loss, does your gut wrench because you love someone so deeply, that you cannot breathe when you think about letting them go. Have you ever been forgotten, dear death how do I deal with all this passionate torture I feel. 

I cannot make sense of simple things any more even breathing takes effort. This overthinking, this writing to you is the only thing distracting me from the constant hole in my heart.

Have you ever been so hurt that you can no longer look at the colours of this world? Do these conversations we humans force on you make you sad, or do our world-shattering feelings make you laugh at the irony of everything? Today I felt fear, a dark panic, I was again terrified of you. I had stopped fearing you long ago, tried inviting you to my doorsteps too. I jumped mountains and ran through ridges because I didn’t dread you, I welcomed you. I forgot you could make my living harder every passing moment. You could take away the last crutches I was living on, you could take away the love I have and not even wonder twice. As I learn to live again, I regret writing you another tear-stained, abrupt, scribbled rambling.

Love,  

Manya. 

Categories
life Thoughts Uncategorised

Dear First Love

Poet: Manya

Dear first love,

Its been ages since 

I thought of you,

years since you gave me butterflies.

But hon, I found someone new,

in this crowded existence,

someone to hold on to,

through the storm.

The hurt came rushing back,

all the broken dreams,

All the angst 

and love, I am ready to run.

So, tell me to stay,

Tell me I can be happy,

Because you know my flaws,

and all my irrational fears.

Do you think I can find my happy?

Do you think I can get over 

all these gnawing insecurities?

This new love seems perfect, 

a little dreamy, a little green,

but love so did you.

Don’t let me run again,

unlike the last time,

Just ask me to stay,

even if it is not for you.

I know the last time hon,

I was all rage,

And so were you.

So can you console me with,

we were not meant to be,

that I deserve love?

Its been so long,

like a long lost fading dream,

but all over again

these scars seem new,

All the anxiety, all the lies,

everything is sending me into a whirl.

It’s a little after 2:00 am,

And I am a little drunk on vodka,

So typing and retyping this message,

looking for some reaffirmation,

hoping for closure,

ignoring his calls,

trying to spare him from this brokenness.

When our verse plays,

Do you ignore the words, 

smile over long lost love,

or switch off the radio.

Sometimes I get bitter,

I will be honest love,

and I smile at times.

But the verse always registers 

and remind me of the hole in my heart.

I am scared that he will see it,

and I will be lonely with my cigarettes again.

So tell me where we went wrong?

Because I cannot ruin it all again.

There was a time when I thought we were it, 

and there was nobody else for us.

Will you tell me when you find the one?

Because I think I found mine,

So I am trying to say goodbye to old injuries,

To all my guilt and all my anger,

Trying to let new love in,

So can you pack your memories from

My heart and move to someplace far.

Categories
life Thoughts Uncategorised

Sorry for Our Loss

Author: Manya Prasad

Why did the posters appear,
After he pulled the trigger.
Why wait for the broken soul
To be housed in a broken body.
You are here to hear the stories,
Sensational and painful
Not a broken man’s tale.
You saw no red flags,
You say, but you ignored,
All the barely hidden scars.
You wanted it to be more,
More than just depression.
Hoping that it is immense turmoil,
Maybe a little more rational.
She wished she could outgrow,
The internal demons,
He hoped these
Cheery Instagram quotes
Carried something other
Than falsehoods.
She wishes you could
have just ignored her,
Maybe it would have saved her.
The funerals scare you,
But the razor didn’t,
Cause then she was just,
Another attention seeking person.
His cries for sympathy,
overreacting to a little fun?
You saw her as an outsider,
But you refused to see her.
You question their strength,
Try to pin it all on cowardice.
But you refused to answer,
His pleas of help,
They were loud and clear,
In his shagged hair,
In her loud music.
Did you not notice,
Her trying to disappear,
Or you hoped she would
Slowly fade away.
Her teary stories,
Need understanding, not salvation.
You and I are both to blame,
We let the system,
Break his soul,
We aided and abetted a murder,
Unknowingly, without an afterthought.
No, he was not an angel,
But he didn’t deserve
The pain, the shame, the hurt.
Don’t let her death,
Be all that is left of her.
these senseless deaths,
Have to mean something.
Otherwise, we are just in a rut.
So let’s unload the guns,
Before she pulls the trigger,
Let’s heal each other,
Before we turn stone cold.

Categories
change life Uncategorised

Love a Detriment

Author: Manya Prasad

I felt his helplessness,

As he lived with her reality,

Her journey stagnated,

His hope to roam still unbroken,

Her heart is still inebriated.

The sky is changing colours,

Fascinating like a kaleidoscope.

Their changing emotions,

Overpowering all their senses.

Trying to forget his illustrious dreams,

While the alcohol rusted his insides.

Their existence,

A fragile compromise

Her happiness for his dreams.

Living in their mansion,

of delusional happiness.

Turning a blind eye,

To chaos within.

Refusing to acknowledge,

the darkness at bay.

His dreams martyred,

He murdered the poetry in her.

She spiralled down with hurt,

Obsessing with her mistakes.

Maddened by the emptiness within.

Feeling lost in the pathless woods,

Ignorant to the fragrant wildflowers.

Together in their vicious damage,

refusing to let go,

Love their slow poison.

The avalanches

going off in his head.

Trying to calm the storm within.

His desires, hopes, and dreams,

Are like the songs of yesteryears

As she faces the truth of life.

His angst and desolation,

Turns him bitter to her existence.

Their future haunted by their past,

The hidden wounds of their heart,

Wishing the love away.

The avalanches

going off in her head.

Staying unmoved on the outside.

Still looking for happiness

Her peace with the desolation,

The loneliness scares her.

He hides his disappointment,

With a well-weaved veil.

As the leaves flew waywardly,

Their destruction was imminent.

Maybe their love was the curse,

That hollowed their souls.

But maybe they survived each other,

And maybe found light in the darkness.

Categories
life Thoughts Uncategorised

Our Personal Hells

Author: Manya Prasad

Hot mess, middle of a meltdown

Bad decisions, over tequila.

Drunken conversation,

Hushed secrets.

Building fortresses,

Entrapping your hearts.

Famished for love,

Greedy for approval.

Giving into attraction,

Hot men in unknown beds,

Losing yourself to the touch.

Angry angst, scars invisible

Mascara stains in restrooms.

Glazed eyes, peeping hurt.

Hoping for honesty,

Hiding behind facades.

Deceiving and pretending,

Weaving spider webs of lies.

Rat races, running in circles

Shards of dreams,

Shattered aeons ago.

Wishing for freedom,

Losing it to snorts of cocaine.

Being hounded by our demons

Handcuffing ourselves to our past.

Trying to numb the pain,

With an affluence of pills.

Surrounded  by concern,

Stifling antagonizing concern

Widened eyes and caring words.

Hollow hearts, faint souls

Hoping to heal,

With puffs of cigars.

Each puff like,

A bullet to the soul.

Reading too much into,

Half-felt words.

Living a fictional reality,

Under the influence.

Entrapped in our addictions,

Our own personal hells.