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I’ve been thinking about why I am unable to do the things I want to. There is some disconnect in the circuit between the part of my brain that wishes and the part that acts and I’ve spent the last year wanting to fix it. Wanting to fix it, because like I said, to do isn’t possible. My problem keeps me from finding a solution, which is to say, I am the hurdle.

Every month or so, I am struck with a breakthrough about some behaviour pattern, either of mine or others in general. Sometimes the breakthrough is a new problem that I’ve recognized and at other times, it’s an explanation – why it is the way it is. The solution, however – how to try and no longer make it a problem – is a never-ending mystery.

I’ve been told I use a lot of fillers in my speech. Words like “like”, ”um”, ”uh”. Words that apparently have no relevance or hold no meaning. Words I say because there are vacant spaces in time and I want to plug the holes. Words that I wear as a mask, as I try not to make it obvious that I am oblivious to my own train of thought. 

There are also a lot of filler spaces in my day, big chunks of time in between finishing one activity and starting another, spaces that don’t really count as rest or work. They simply exist, adding (again, apparently) no meaning or value to my life. Something usually referred to as a waste of time. Is it true though? Can anything you say or do, not amount to anything? Isn’t every activity that you do or don’t do, propelling you further, nudging you just a little bit harder towards the person you are becoming?

Before starting this piece that you are reading right now, I started (and deleted) more than a few drafts, because no other thought was coherent enough to expand itself to this word count. And despite the little corner in my head that is skeptical of myself, I know that every word I have ever written, even if it was erased almost immediately, has lead up to me writing this sentence here. What I’m trying to say is, there is an understated struggle lying in the underbelly of every single day, and the seconds that go into wading through that river aren’t worthless. I recently watched a video about how these filler words in our speech are not just important but are irreplaceable. While a pause could indicate an abrupt end, your um’s and your like’s let the listener know that there is another word that is on its way. Words that say, “Wait, I’m not done yet.”

Which is to say, every time you spend an hour on your phone in the morning before you get out of bed, it’s an hour that indicates that there is something significant incoming- that you are about to begin the series of events which will start your day. There is a deadly pandemic around us and life feels like it has become static but this is just the filler before the calm (yes, I made my own version of “the silence before the storm”). Something is approaching; something aglow with possibility and hope. 

I know there might be sentences in this piece that don’t add much to its meaning (Whatever I am, I am self-aware). But even after I write the last word and begin my process of editing and proofreading, I know they’ll stay. After months and months of the biggest writer’s block I’ve ever faced, these are the paragraphs that whispered to me that something worthwhile was on its way and that I must wait.

You could consider this another small breakthrough, where I have gained an understanding, a new perspective on an old issue. I mentioned earlier that I never find a solution, only an explanation at most. But when explanations make you realize that your problem isn’t even a problem in the first place, who’s to say that you can’t call them solutions?

life Self Thoughts

Self Love and Shit

Author: Siddharth Patil

Sitting here with my charcoal face mask on, sipping on my Dalgona coffee and eating my avocado toast, listening to my Good Mood playlist and breathing in the cold morning breeze. I head out for a run and feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. After a long and blissful shower, I groom my hair while slow dancing to my music. I truly take care of myself: I eat healthy, I do my regular exercise, and I love the way I look.

The general public makes this topic appear tremendously convoluted and tedious. Slap on a face mask, eat tasty food, and jam to your favorite songs. It really isn’t that difficult. Put on a beautiful Netflix Original, get inspired, and think of ways to turn your life around. At this point, people forget who they are and instead go about obeying baseless societal norms. It is 2020, toxic masculinity or femininity – both are cancelled. Taking care of yourself – only physically – is not self love. That would be changing yourself to conform to society’s “ideal” construct on physique and feel better about
finally being accepted.

The whole trend started off to raise awareness on body positivity and to love who you are, for what you are. Body positivity is turning into an excuse for individuals to not engage in any sort of physical activity, or even basic grooming and hygiene. The movement was to encourage those with body image issues to become comfortable with their physical features whilst improving their lifestyle and choices without any prejudice from society.

Overthinking, anxiety, past trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts and more are the most overlooked aspects of society, let alone self-love. Full acceptance of your physical self and mental state, and the constant thirst to strive to become an improved version of you, is the true definition of self love. Openly discussing your mental health without feeling any judgement from peers or working on your physical structure, can lead to a more evolved form of “Self-Love”.

Most people confuse self-love with self-care. Caring about your self inculcates self love. You care about yourself by putting yourself above others, but not in a selfish manner. So, what is the first step to self-love? Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Focus. Let your mind wander. Take another deep breath. Focus. Open your eyes. The topic your mind wandered towards is one of your biggest show-stoppers: Be it a fear, insecurity, stress, anxiety, or any other thought. So, let’s start with acceptance. Listen to your thoughts. Focus on that thought. Writing it down can be a quicker path to acceptance as you have a visual for it and it tricks your brain to think it is real. Write down only those thoughts for which solid evidence exists. This is to prevent your overthinking from taking over you.

The more you learn to condition your brain to limit unimportant thoughts, the healthier your mental state can become. In crux, taking care of yourself physically is equally as important as taking care of yourself mentally. Mental state has its ups and downs but it is extremely crucial to remember the better times when you are feeling low.

Even if you didn’t read everything, the primary takeaway is: Take care of your mental health, in ways that suit you, in conjunction to taking care of yourself physically. You cannot expect others to love you when you don’t love yourself.

life Self Thoughts Uncategorised

Star On The Ocean Bed

Poet: Pritisha

She said,

“I feel like a star

At the bottom of an ocean

And when I say star, I mean all I do is burn myself.

Depression is cancer

I am the oncologist

Treating my apathetic self.

The scars on my body-

Is my chemotherapy.

Depression is a red rose

With no petals

Only thorns

Bred to veil daggers

Under its humble guise.

It feels like a dance

Rhythmic and graceful

Pirouettes on a needle top

On the edge of a cliff.

Depression is a minister

Tying me and my doom

Into holy matrimony

For us to conceive pain.

Our progeny, pain, is crying out for salvation.

I am the graveyard

Of exhilaration,

Tombstones inscribed with a lifetime of remorse.

Remorse of never being enough.

Not even for myself.

Something is beating my insides

When I look inside

It is my heart.

(No I don’t want to die)

I have become a liability

To myself.

I am already deep in the ocean

Drowning, gasping for air.

My death is the lifeboat.

My rescue.

I am an assassin

Hired by my body and soul

To device my murder

For it is a sacrificial killing.”

The hand which twisted the knife was her own.

In each swell of pain,

She knew that it was the pain who died,

And her death was merely the collateral damage.

Yet in the cremation of her agony and anguish existed the ashes of her kith and kin.

If only she had still been here,

I’d tell her, “Underneath all the agony lies the refuge, you are the risk yet the rescue you seek.”

Lessons life Thoughts Uncategorised

Breaking Down Heartbreak

Author: Shatakshi

The trials and tribulations of a tumultuous relationship often seem like one of the greatest struggles we have to persevere through. They often turn into dogfights at the end where all mutual respect and self-respect are lost. After all this, it may seem like the worst is over, but what comes next truly tests our mettle. See, the problem is much more deep-rooted than you think. We don’t know how to acclimate loss because we live in an age of convenience. Nothing on the way to our first relationship prepares us for our first heartbreak. 

Often, we think too far ahead into the future and forget that the path to its realization is more important than a simplistic picture of what we want ten or twenty years down the line. Part of this could be attributed to the novelty of a new relationship. One person starts to seem like a quick fix to all of our problems. However, happiness felt because of a foreign presence is transient, as there is no guarantee on a person’s commitment, and therefore on a relationship’s longevity. However, emotional immaturity is arguably the largest instigator of failed relationships and subsequent mismanagement of feelings after it. It may seem harsh and oddly conservative to believe that teenagers are not ready to be in a relationship, but the fact of the matter is, they’re not. Let’s break it down.

Up until the age of say seventeen or eighteen, the greatest challenge in an average person’s life is the next examination they have to take. They go to school every weekday and prepare six to seven hours a day for every assessment, apart from the time they allot for self-study. Compared to all of this preparation for an exam, which in most cases has no bearings on someone’s future, there is no preparation or even a thought allotted to evaluating emotional stability and building emotional intelligence. With this preparation, the first relationship is often a steep learning curve if it occurs in someone’s teenage years.

We can look at two solutions to make a start towards solving this problem. We should ideally teach our kids to deal with emotions organically and let them accept how they feel without being overwhelmed by how society demands them to behave. Children have very impressionable minds. Things learned during this period often stick with them throughout their lives. It is paramount to build a strong foundation for our children. Children should be taught to deal with loss. Giving someone everything they’ve ever wanted and then telling them to be independent is like getting someone addicted to heroin and asking them to quit cold turkey. Expressing how you feel is very important because suppressed emotions often lead to a troubled mind. Things like hypertension and anxiety can often be the result of bottled up emotions. These things are a recipe for disaster when it comes to handling heartbreak because a loss like that can trigger the release of overwhelming emotions, which can be detrimental to someone’s mental health.

If we look around, we’ll see that most successful relationships often start in the mid to late twenties. It is definitely because a person has matured naturally and has responsibilities to bear on their shoulders. Hence, even though a relationship might still fail, they are better equipped to sort themselves out and also lack time to ponder over tiny details and feel miserable.

Relationships are by no means things to be avoided. Everyone seeks companionship in some form or the other, whether they admit to it or not. However, as with everything in life, it is important to not get carried away by emotions and accept things as they are without blowing anything out of proportion. The beauty of any emotion is in the fact that they change. We must embrace change as it comes, not as we please. The matters of the heart are capable of being resolved with some mindfulness.