Categories
change Efforts feelings Happiness Lessons life Love personal psychological Self social society Space story Uncategorised World

Powerlessness and other Things

by:Sneha

“I don’t know what to do……”

“What should I do?…”

Such sentences often come into our minds when we have something that pains us and we seem powerless against it. Powerlessness is most certainly a horrible feeling. When you see things happening right in front of you. Wishing you could change it so bad or at least make it a bit better than it is.

You wish and you wish so strongly with all your might to be able to make a difference only to realize that all your prayers and efforts don’t make a difference. It’s like you can see your own hope and faith slowly slipping out of your hands and instead of falling to the ground, you can feel it falling in an endless pit shrouded with nothing but despair. The frustration is nothing less than painful. It plays with your mind and makes you feel so tiny and useless, to say the least.

Sometimes, you keep all these struggles inside yourself, hoping time will be your knight in shining armor and save you from everything. We all know time is usually too slow. People say that time heals everything. In those times though, it sounds like a lie. Like you have to fight it all on your own and all by yourself. After what seems like endless fighting you standstill. You start to hope that if you stop reacting to it, it will just go away. You bear with it and keep bearing with it till you break and then the words become more frantic echoing in your mind muddling it further.

“I don’t know what to do!”

“What should I do!?”

Now that you have had enough. Everything starts to pour out. You start to cry. Whether it is your eyes or your mind or your soul or your heart it doesn’t matter. Some part of you starts to cry.

Maybe it’s just a cry to let everything go or maybe you are screaming with all your might.

Maybe you want someone to come to you and save you from all of it even though you aren’t saying it out loud.

At times like this…..

It is okay to not do anything.In fact you shouldn’t do anything if you have already tried and can’t.

Rest yourself a bit.

Take some time to yourself.

Unwind.

Rely on someone. It is perfectly fine to ask them to stay with you longer than usual. Have a mental breakdown if you feel the need. It is okay to leave whatever is bothering you to someone else. To ask them to sort it out for you. Be it the matter itself or your feelings. Sometimes, you need someone else more than anything and that is fine.

At times like this….

It is fine to wait to make your move.

To be afraid of what will happen.

To think or maybe overthink if you are an overthinker.

To be afraid of every move you make and do things at your own pace.

Once everything settles…..

It is okay to realise that it was something small and easily solvable.

It is okay to realise you could have handled stuff in a better way.

It is okay to realise that nothing could have been done all along.

It is okay to realise that you were entirely in the wrong or totally wronged.

It is okay to realise that you were only confused and that it made everything worse.

It’s okay….

Sometimes all you can do is feel powerless and then let time help you see the real picture and make you realise what it all was.

But once it all settles…

Don’t be bothered by it again.

Let it go.

Forgive yourself and anyone involved.

Thank the ones who stayed with you throughout.

Show gratitude to the ones that helped you get through it.

Once everything settles though…

I want you to know.

You did your best.

You did great.

You are still loved and as long as you try to set things right with sincerity.

Whatever happened and however things went down is not just your fault.

Whatever happened doesn’t mean you are any less than you were before and that you deserve all the happiness that comes your way after it.

Love yourself even after everything happens. It is very important.

Powerlessness will go and how you grow from it all depends on you.

Categories
change Family Friends life Self Thoughts World

Dear Death

Dear Death ,

Last time I wrote to you, the pages were soaked in tears. It was abrupt, scribbled with ramblings, and resounding with sounds of incessant begging.  We talked about the colours you see and the darkness that I can’t stop seeing. Now I am overwhelmed. I know you are not the monster and perhaps you cried with us too, because it’s not every day you get to take away a soul so pure. Mayhap you listened to me when I pleaded with you to wait a few more days before you took her away. 

Could you see the technicolour she projected, did our pain darken her aura, or did it blanket her in our love? Tell me if she is finally in a better place, did she make you smile? It won’t be the first time she made a stranger smile. Did she listen to you instead of thinking about herself, did she break down because she couldn’t bear our tears? Could you tell her we will be fine?She worries you know. 

I am sorry that I’ve stained these pages again, sorry for barraging you with questions. I don’t mean to hurt you, but you took away the  colour from my life, left me black and white and a little more empty. Darling, you took all the beauty and left behind the ugliness. I am trying to pull everyone through. I am pretending to be fine so that my mother’s heart pains a little less. Maybe I should share my pain, and let others comfort me in my anguish, but all I can do is hide under my blanket and stare away. 

As reality fades away, and I try to deal with this devastation and suffocate with all these memories that keep flashing by. Do you feel loss, does your gut wrench because you love someone so deeply, that you cannot breathe when you think about letting them go. Have you ever been forgotten, dear death how do I deal with all this passionate torture I feel. 

I cannot make sense of simple things any more even breathing takes effort. This overthinking, this writing to you is the only thing distracting me from the constant hole in my heart.

Have you ever been so hurt that you can no longer look at the colours of this world? Do these conversations we humans force on you make you sad, or do our world-shattering feelings make you laugh at the irony of everything? Today I felt fear, a dark panic, I was again terrified of you. I had stopped fearing you long ago, tried inviting you to my doorsteps too. I jumped mountains and ran through ridges because I didn’t dread you, I welcomed you. I forgot you could make my living harder every passing moment. You could take away the last crutches I was living on, you could take away the love I have and not even wonder twice. As I learn to live again, I regret writing you another tear-stained, abrupt, scribbled rambling.

Love,  

Manya.